Sunday, December 26, 2010

Petition to ban the song Christmas Shoes...

Ok, not really, I just thought I would get a nice size audience either jumping for joy at the thought, or others ready to defend that ridiculous song. Come on, its terribly sad and written for the sole purpose of making you want to make everyone listen to it and cry with you as if it will change their life. My first thought (blame it on living in the ghetto and hearing one too many sob stories for money...or a car), is the boy probably is lying. The store clerk has obviously caught on as he wouldn't just let the boy have the shoes.
Anyway, now that I have you...
As my first Christmas as a mom slowly settles in to the long term memory, self reflection makes its way to my watery eyes. A new year is coming...hand in hand with milestones, tears, laughter, and exciting life events. This Christmas was different. And not just because there were tiny hands holding mine. This Christmas, I finally got Mary's side. Well, kinda (this was no virgin birth of a Savior, however Mawie HAS compared Charlee to Jesus).
In the parking lot, on the way to deliver the Angel Tree gifts, I listened to Silent Night. And I cried. I closed my eyes and I thought of how scared I was the night I went in to labor. Calling the doctor, driving to the comfy hospital, hearing the deafening beep on the monitors, Brandon reminding me to breath as he held his breath...I can picture it perfectly. I can't even imagine getting ready to birth God's son and having nothing more to offer then a smelly stable and bed of hay for him to sleep. How humbling. How marvelous. And hearing that song, I connected with Mary in a way I could never understand until becoming a mother myself. For me, April 26th was holy. It was the loudest silence I will ever experience and the craziest calm I'll ever know. I try to wrap my mind around seeing Jesus's chest rising and falling and knowing that my body formed the unimaginable love of a God who needed to be near us.
These past few months have been pretty rough for me. I can usually find the bright side (it's the right side). I try to be a Positive Patty. But lately I have let life's meaningless mean something. And that just isn't who I care to be. So, 2011, I will just go ahead and warn you about a few things. These aren't resolutions, these are determinations.
*My clothes will fit again.
*My clothes will fit again because I will run a half marathon with Team Challenge in June.
*I will run a half marathon because I will relearn to care about myself and my health.
*I will care about myself and my health because I have little eyes that needs to learn to care about herself and "love the skin she's in".
*Those little eyes will look into the eyes of 2 parents doing everything they can to raise her the way God intends for her to grow.
*Those two parents doing everything they can to raise her right will raise themselves up to the challenge of doing the right thing, loving each other, and growing the way God wants them to grow.
*Charlee will learn by example.
2011, let's go.

Monday, November 29, 2010

20's, its almost time to say goodbye...

On the eve of my 29th birthday, the rain is falling appropriately. Not a storm, not a mist, just a good cry from the clouds. However, for once, the pavement is wet but my cheeks are dry. Its been one of the most life changing years I may ever face. Thoughts of good things, great things, and terrible things all dance together while the memories take their seat in the back. I've had a beautiful life. It's a wonderful life. A time of reflection brings back pain both physical and emotional. Where would I be if it weren't for my missteps and failures? Maybe at the time I was blinded by the need for the hope of tomorrow. But as I sit here in the drowning song on the window, I can't help but wish I could slam on the brakes for the morning sun. It's odd to think of myself when I was turning 20. I was trying to please everyone but myself only to realize that life wasn't worth living if I couldn't be who I wanted to be. And it took me more than half of my twenties to realize that the person I wanted to be couldn't be labeled. She couldn't be charmed. She couldn't be persuaded. She never fit the mold. She wore hot pink shoes on her wedding day. She couldn't be stopped by fear or pain. She is who I wanted to be. She is who I am.
And to see Charlotte sleeping in a heap with a grin on her face, I'll spend my 30's, 40's, 50's, and even my 60's trying my best to show her that she can be whatever she wants to be...and whatever that looks like in the end will be the most beautiful thing I could ever hope for.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Love Lifted Me

I have heard it said that pain is fear leaving the body. Some days I wonder if I am close to being afraid of nothing else. Other days I just decide to hide my eyes and give in to the easier path. My eyes burn with weight of the world. I sit back and try to understand why God chooses to put things on my plate when I have very clearly explained that I am full. Must be where Mawie gets it. If only God was offering chicken n' dumplings and wedding cookies instead of patience testing and love's true endurance. Although, both can be attributed to my midsection's unfortunate growth spurt. My heart grows weary as I look in the mirror and realize the face staring back is me. Who have I become? Where am I going? What happened to the life that sprang from my bones? How did my soul forget how to fly? When will I find myself again?
And all it takes is a smile. A glistening grin from this tiny face that thinks I am awesome. A rub of the eyes and a head buried as close to my heart as possible gives my pain a break. Her rhythm of breaths melt my stress into a large puddle of self pity. I'll clean it up later. For now, this tiny human needs me to be strong. She needs my confidence, strength, and unending smile to cheer her on and give her the peace that she lives for. All too soon she will discover the world and all its ups and downs. But for now, her life is knowing that I love her, and that I'll hold on for dear life for as long as she will let me.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Deep water.

It's in those quiet, still moments of the early morning that, for me, things are most clear. My decisions are unemotional, my thoughts are unobstructed, and my heart finds the peace it desires. As the sun rose to its occasion, I listened to the steady sigh of Charlotte's rythmic breathing. Fall deep, my love. Rest your mind while you can. I couldn't keep myself from my sleeping beauty and so I crept into her room to steal a glance at the most beautiful creation I have ever seen. Tears flowed so easily as I thought of her amazing innocence. Arms stretched above her head, she silently tells me there is no fear, no worry, no greater comfort than what surrounds her. Again I wonder, when did that stop for me? And better yet, why? My stomach eases into my throat as I answer that question for myself. The pain of my measley 28 years crawls on my skin. Worse than reliving those moments of heartbreak and the days and months and maybe even years of recovery is one simple thought...her heartbreak. Her brokenness that is sure to follow. For goodness sake, I have cried more than her while taking her to get her shots. Lord help the man that doesn't hold her heart with both hands.
Its been almost a year since I took 8 pregnancy tests because I couldn't believe that there was actually life inside of me. And no one could have told me then what those following months would bring for my body and mind. Even still, no one could have prepared me for the way my heart aches, grows, beams, and breaks every time I hold that sweet little soul in my arms. Everything becomes right with the world as she grins that toothless smile and puts her tiny fingers to my damp cheek, if only for a moment.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


Last Thursday I took Charlee up to my mom's for the day. I had her doing her "tummy time" and out of nowhere she rolled over to her back. I laughed and thought she did it on accident (although she was extremely pleased with herself regardless). I put her back on her stomach and she just whipped right over again. No grunting, struggling, aggrivation. She is a genius. A star. I find it funny that we celebrate every achievement. I was so elated. I was clapping and cheering like she just ran her first marathon with her eyes closed. When do we stop that? More importantly WHY do we stop that? If ever I tell my cousin Annabelle how pretty she is she always replies "I know." I love that confidence. I hate that when Bran tells me I look beautiful my reply is usually, "What? Now? No way." or "How much is that guitar going to cost us?" The innocence mixed with confidence of a child is such a beautiful thing. I believe our first heartbreak and betrayel and failure leads us to a place of understanding, but also puts a pin prick in our self esteem balloon. Without someone constantly reassuring us that we are on the right path, or that we are wanted, or even that we are the most beautiful thing created...we deflate. And who likes an empty balloon? They are certainly no fun to play with and don't do much for the life of a party. So I would like to bring back the idea of making a fuss over every achievement. Call, text, comment to me your life happenings that you are proud of. Did you write a great blog? Let's celebrate! Find an awesome website? I'll owe you dinner! Run further than you did last week? A cake is coming your way! Run at all? I've got a trophy with your name on it! Anyone else jumping on this train with me? Even if you don' me your achievements. It can be a party every day.

"Jesus must just really like me."

Today, my heart is heavy and my mind is at home with my baby girl and amazing husband. I've had 2 clients since I got here at 9 and all I can think about is Charlee's giggle and making a big breakfast for Bran. My coworker from Russia said they give new mother's 2 years maternity leave. Holy wow. I can only imagine. I never realized just how guilty I would feel leaving her each morning. I know it's not my choice, but really...
I start my new job August 20th. I haven't been this nervous/scared/excited in 3 months. I am at a weird place in my life. I get so anxious about the gifts that are being given to me, but so calmly I accept each new phase of my existence. Amazing things are happening.
Charlee is so much fun that its hard to explain. Mainly because by fun, I am referring to watching her try to make my facial expressions and drool on herself while gurgling me an encoded message. I've never been this happy with something I have created (or helped create). Good thing she didn't turn out like my scrapbook or my furniture painting project. Otherwise, babysitters may not be so easy to find. I think most women think their baby to be the cutest thing alive. Because I am in no way biased to the good looks and status of my girl, I would have to say she is, by far, the most adorable thing alive. I'm not sure how something of such greatness cooked in my womb...Jesus must just really like me.
Brandon and I have a new game. Charlee has become quite the sloberrer. I'm not sure that's even a word...but its truth. Whenever she has a substantial amount on her face, whoever is holding her tries to have her kiss the other. She leaves a snail trail. Its hilarious and gross and cute all at once. She has no idea, but I am sure when she hears this story later in her life, she will add this to the list of "Reasons I hate my parents".

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Beauty for Ashes, Strength for Fear

I don't know exactly why, but I have this Shane and Shane song stuck in my head. Not the whole song, just these two lines. Beauty for ashes, Strength for fear. Maybe because my mind is stuck on all things beautiful and scary. Hahahaha. This baby, moving and kicking and tickling, has my heart. She has my thoughts, my prayers, my fears, my excitement almost all to herself. And I have never been this afraid in my life. If we are being honest, that is. This will be the worst pain (hopefully) I have ever felt in my life. And once she is here, I am going to be a mom. Responsible for screwing her up in some way or another. Most parents raise their child the way they think is best, but that usually creates some issue later in life. We will just do as we see fit, hurt with her through the rough times, and hope she one day comes to see (as I did) that she had parents that loved the crap out of her and did everything they could to show her.

On an exciting note, the baby's room is painted. I couldn't be more happy with it. I tear up just going in there. My cousin Dave is a painter and did this all for us FOR FREE!!!! He did it free hand and if you need a painter (just for walls, or a mural) please call him. He works for himself so he is cheap and as you can see below...totally talented.

How amazing?? I will have more pics once the room is completely put together. I know she will love it.

So, in conclusion, I am an emotional mess with a husband that loves me even in this crazy state. We have parents that showed us a glimpse of the life and love we are about to take on. We have a family that has proved time and time again that we will be held up when we can't stand any longer on our own. And we have a God that gives us Beauty for ashes and Strength for fear.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Feeling like a big every sense.

Yesterday, I submitted my application for an interpreting job. And all of the sudden it hit me...God, you are berry sneaky.
Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. I have been going through the "Free" journey with Crossroads. In these 3 weeks I have come to some pretty eye-opening discoveries. I have finally understood my need for acceptance and my lack of self-confidence has affected my life in so many negative ways.
One of my "goals" is to work on my confidence in myself, God, and others. Funny how when you mention something like that to God, He gives you a chance to prove your commitment. I realized as I filled out that application, I am going to be asked about my skill as an interpreter. Even more scary, I have to sell myself as confident in that skill...and truly believe what I have to say. The first thing that came to my mind is the words of one of my final professors. "I have no clue how you got this far. Your skill is no where near where it should be. You aren't ready to graduate. Nothing you say is how I would choose to say it." I continue to try to block out those words and surround myself with the fact that I did get that far, I did graduate, and this is what I worked so hard for. I come (fingers crossed).
Secondly...I am huge. My Mawie says maybe I should stop eating and the baby wont get so big. I thank Jesus my weight is all in my belly. I can't wait to meet this child...or bend down, run, and bring my sexy back. Brandon has to help me roll over and get out of bed. Talk about humbling.
Lastly, and maybe least important...I was number one in the company for the whole month. 131 banking centers full of employees and I am #1. I can't believe it. I always finish around middle at just about everything I do. It feels good to have success. It also looks nice on my paycheck.
Confidence, here I come.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Being Pregnant.

Well, as it goes...since I am almost done being pregnant, I figured it was high time to start blogging about it. The past 8.5 months have seemed to whip by without asking me if it was ok. I went from no appetite and sleeping every minute possible to insomnia, an appetite for everything...and swift kicks to the ribs.
My cravings this pregnancy have been mainly Mexican and Italian. Also, Laughy Taffy and doughnuts have been hard to say no to. It's been cute to see Bran change with me. His overprotectiveness has actually been something so adorable. I am positive that he has helped make this pregnancy as easy as its been.
The house is coming together slowly but surely...I have been nesting and that definately has helped me make significant progress! After the robbery, Bran and I got into gear to make a lot of changes and start getting things done. I have finally picked out colors for the baby's room and I can't wait to see what it looks like when it's all said and done. I have this "feeling" that she is coming early so the quicker I can get her room ready, the better I will feel. I have her little clothes on hangers in her closet and it just makes everything so very real. I can't wait to see the face on this little kicker.
She has a lot of people anxious for her arrival so maybe she will show up early. However, if she is anything like her mom and dad....she will be at least 2 weeks late.