Friday, August 13, 2010

Deep water.

It's in those quiet, still moments of the early morning that, for me, things are most clear. My decisions are unemotional, my thoughts are unobstructed, and my heart finds the peace it desires. As the sun rose to its occasion, I listened to the steady sigh of Charlotte's rythmic breathing. Fall deep, my love. Rest your mind while you can. I couldn't keep myself from my sleeping beauty and so I crept into her room to steal a glance at the most beautiful creation I have ever seen. Tears flowed so easily as I thought of her amazing innocence. Arms stretched above her head, she silently tells me there is no fear, no worry, no greater comfort than what surrounds her. Again I wonder, when did that stop for me? And better yet, why? My stomach eases into my throat as I answer that question for myself. The pain of my measley 28 years crawls on my skin. Worse than reliving those moments of heartbreak and the days and months and maybe even years of recovery is one simple thought...her heartbreak. Her brokenness that is sure to follow. For goodness sake, I have cried more than her while taking her to get her shots. Lord help the man that doesn't hold her heart with both hands.
Its been almost a year since I took 8 pregnancy tests because I couldn't believe that there was actually life inside of me. And no one could have told me then what those following months would bring for my body and mind. Even still, no one could have prepared me for the way my heart aches, grows, beams, and breaks every time I hold that sweet little soul in my arms. Everything becomes right with the world as she grins that toothless smile and puts her tiny fingers to my damp cheek, if only for a moment.