Monday, November 29, 2010

20's, its almost time to say goodbye...

On the eve of my 29th birthday, the rain is falling appropriately. Not a storm, not a mist, just a good cry from the clouds. However, for once, the pavement is wet but my cheeks are dry. Its been one of the most life changing years I may ever face. Thoughts of good things, great things, and terrible things all dance together while the memories take their seat in the back. I've had a beautiful life. It's a wonderful life. A time of reflection brings back pain both physical and emotional. Where would I be if it weren't for my missteps and failures? Maybe at the time I was blinded by the need for the hope of tomorrow. But as I sit here in the drowning song on the window, I can't help but wish I could slam on the brakes for the morning sun. It's odd to think of myself when I was turning 20. I was trying to please everyone but myself only to realize that life wasn't worth living if I couldn't be who I wanted to be. And it took me more than half of my twenties to realize that the person I wanted to be couldn't be labeled. She couldn't be charmed. She couldn't be persuaded. She never fit the mold. She wore hot pink shoes on her wedding day. She couldn't be stopped by fear or pain. She is who I wanted to be. She is who I am.
And to see Charlotte sleeping in a heap with a grin on her face, I'll spend my 30's, 40's, 50's, and even my 60's trying my best to show her that she can be whatever she wants to be...and whatever that looks like in the end will be the most beautiful thing I could ever hope for.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Love Lifted Me

I have heard it said that pain is fear leaving the body. Some days I wonder if I am close to being afraid of nothing else. Other days I just decide to hide my eyes and give in to the easier path. My eyes burn with weight of the world. I sit back and try to understand why God chooses to put things on my plate when I have very clearly explained that I am full. Must be where Mawie gets it. If only God was offering chicken n' dumplings and wedding cookies instead of patience testing and love's true endurance. Although, both can be attributed to my midsection's unfortunate growth spurt. My heart grows weary as I look in the mirror and realize the face staring back is me. Who have I become? Where am I going? What happened to the life that sprang from my bones? How did my soul forget how to fly? When will I find myself again?
And all it takes is a smile. A glistening grin from this tiny face that thinks I am awesome. A rub of the eyes and a head buried as close to my heart as possible gives my pain a break. Her rhythm of breaths melt my stress into a large puddle of self pity. I'll clean it up later. For now, this tiny human needs me to be strong. She needs my confidence, strength, and unending smile to cheer her on and give her the peace that she lives for. All too soon she will discover the world and all its ups and downs. But for now, her life is knowing that I love her, and that I'll hold on for dear life for as long as she will let me.