Saturday, November 19, 2011


It's days like today that my heart goes in so many directions. To be transparent, at this very moment, all I can think of is my daddy. I miss him so much some days that I physically hurt. I need him right now. I need his laugh, his wisdom, his lap to crawl into. I couldn't imagine life without him...and now as I am forced to...I just don't want to. There are so many more years to my life (hopefully) and it is crushing to think of the experiences he has and will miss. With news of a sister of my sisterfriend having breast cancer with an outcome that doesn't look great (who has a new baby and 5 year old) I am reminded of just how fragile life can be. None of us are exempt. Death is a result of each of our lives. We have such little time.
I am counting days for so many things. Thanksgiving break, Thanksgiving with my families, Christmas, baby Dockery's arrival, turning 30, life altering decisions. The list could go on for ages. Maybe it's the time of year, and maybe its listening to Sleeping at Last and pondering/freaking out about turning 30...but I want to figure out how to stop my head and restart my heart. I have been living a life of waiting. I want to really live. Now. Not when we have money. Not when Charlee can tell me what she wants. Not when I am happy with everything in my life.
I think so many people are unhappy when they retire because they are always waiting for the next stage of life. When we are young we can't wait to be a teenager. When we are a teenager we can't wait to turn 16 to drive. When we turn 16 we can't wait to be 18 and out of high school. In college we can't wait to graduate and get married. When we get married we can't wait to have kids. When we have kids we can't wait until we retire. When we retire what do we have to look forward to? What is the next step?
All this babble to say...all that we have been through, are experiencing, or will happen to us eventually produces character. I should be a Broadway play. I would much rather have a story to tell with a heart that's open to any soul's history than a life of smiles and roses with a blank look to any sign of struggle. I don't want to give awkward hugs to a crying friend because I have never hurt to the depth of their suffering. In the time of my pain it may seem like the world is crashing and I have no strength to go on. But nothing, I say NOTHING, is more powerful than wiping tears of a weary friend and saying, "I know just how you feel." So, no more wishing things away. No more waiting for better days. The trick, I believe, is finding whats right when everything seems wrong.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

You are my sunshine.

It's been one of those days. Maybe just one of those evenings. Ok...I am listening to Phil Wickham and got inspired to sing through my fingers (and with my vocal chords...sorry neighbors). I can so easily forget Jesus' fierce desire to be my desire. A jealous and beautiful love. One of Phil's songs (True Love) talks about a love more faithful than the morning. And it got me thinking. And that usually isn't a good thing. As stated before, I can overthink with the best of them. But sometimes it turns out to be something soul emptying and I can walk a little lighter. I can see life a little brighter. I can find hope in things I had given up on. And, thank you Jesus, this is one of those sacred moments.
When you are broken...the truly gut wrenching, physically ill wish for the world to stop. I've wished for morning to give me just a little more time before arriving with the tiring knowledge that it doesn't slow down to let me figure things out. Or even to let me try to understand how to live with a heart that so easily malfunctions. No such luck. Day breaks in through the broken blinds and reminds me that the world is waiting. Not only is it waiting, its expecting me to suck it up and succeed.
I can see how depressing that could be. But when you think of how faithful the sun is to rise each day, how terribly refreshing to know that even if your whole existence is completely failing...something will remain the same. And it doesn't rise the same time everyday. It doesn't ever look the same as it did the day before. It's not mechanical. It's no robot. It's a gentle, burning reminder that we are alive. We are looking for light. It comes. When its ready. When its time. Faithful but not annoyingly predicable. Stable. True. Real.
I need to work on that. No matter how unfaithful I can be to Jesus, no worry of how easily I can be the friend that no one wants, no bother with how destructive I am...His love Never stops. NEver questions. NEVer grudges. NEVEr demeans. NEVER waivers. He always rises to the occasion. His love changes to meet my needs. His love is more faithful than the morning.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

the girl that will not say "i can't".

Sooo, its been awhile. I would tell you that I've just had nothing to say, but if you know me at all, that's just simply impossible. As I have been pounding the pavement in my training for this marathon, I've opted to run without music. I have decided (to follow Jesus...haha ohhhh hymn references) to make this my quiet time. Self reflection and Jesus time. I have had so much to tell Him and myself that I haven't done much listening. And this is what I have come up with:

Somewhere in this past year I have lost some really important things. I can remember wanting with all my heart to be a motivational speaker to girls to tell them just how awesome they are. And along the way of hard times and the difficulties that life serves up, I became the person who needed the motivation. Tonight, I didn't want to run. At all. I wanted to call Jenny and tell her I just can't do this. I wanted to give up because I didn't embrace the self confidence to say that I can and I will. Who is this girl in the mirror? She's the same girl that decided to move to Jordan for 3 months. She's that same face that overcame the eating disorder. Her eyes are that of the woman I once knew and took pride in. But now she's tired and deathly scared of failing.

But there is (*thankfully*) hope for my weary soul. I have such beautiful family and friends that take every chance they get to encourage me. Tonight, Natalie, I thank you for your wonderful words and truth to keep me going and staying positive (and not making me laugh that last half mile). It's funny that I was talking to her about how I overthink things and she said, "Jenny said the same thing." I said, "Oh about herself?" and she said, "No, you." ha! I'm found out. Well, hello insecurities, I can never seem to outrun you. Or hide you. But I promise, I will get over you. It's like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you are the one that truly knows the uncomfortable feeling it provides.

So, these next 2 months, I'll take these times to thank Jesus for my health, my amazing family, my beautiful friends, and the life He's given me. I am inspired by so many of you and the things you accomplish. Without complaint. So, for the rest of this training, I promise to strive to be the girl that will not say "I can't".

*Want to donate to help find a cure??? Visit my fundraising page!!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Happy Birthday Daddy

I'll never forget the day. I had tried out for 7th grade cheerleading and we were getting a call to tell us if we had made the squad. My mom was gone and my dad was out working in the garage. I hugged that phone all day waiting for it to ring. Finally, the coach called and informed me I hadn't made the team. I held my breath for the rest of the call and as soon as I hung up I sobbed into the couch. At some point my dad must have walked in to the house. I heard him heading for the living room so I quickly wiped my face. He came in and noticed my tear streaked mess. Without asking about it, confirming his thought, or saying anything about my this shaky voice he simply said, "How about we get some ice cream?" I just looked at him and my heart wanted to beat out of my chest. He just knew what to say and what not to ask. He knew how to love me and make me feel loved. He wanted to cry too. That was my dad. A small glimpse at what a man should look like.
People say when you lose someone you love, it gets easier. And I will attest that the week leading up to and after his passing were by far the worst. I don't cry everyday. He doesn't star in every dream. But I will say, the moments I sit down and really think about the rest of my life without my daddy, a heaviness settles in on my chest. When I look at Charlee and think about the man she will only hear stories about, my eyes refuse to stop the tears. I love him still. When I think about the man he was I can't help but wonder why God said it was time for him to go.
But that wasn't my call. And maybe I will never understand. But this time, every year, I will stop and sit and listen and smile. I had a glimpse of something beautiful. His spirit was unmatchable and His love for Jesus was unstoppable. All I can do is feel blessed knowing he gave me a great example of who I want to be just like. I may try and I may fail...but the wonder is in the spirit of continuing down the narrow path even when you fall.