Saturday, November 19, 2011


It's days like today that my heart goes in so many directions. To be transparent, at this very moment, all I can think of is my daddy. I miss him so much some days that I physically hurt. I need him right now. I need his laugh, his wisdom, his lap to crawl into. I couldn't imagine life without him...and now as I am forced to...I just don't want to. There are so many more years to my life (hopefully) and it is crushing to think of the experiences he has and will miss. With news of a sister of my sisterfriend having breast cancer with an outcome that doesn't look great (who has a new baby and 5 year old) I am reminded of just how fragile life can be. None of us are exempt. Death is a result of each of our lives. We have such little time.
I am counting days for so many things. Thanksgiving break, Thanksgiving with my families, Christmas, baby Dockery's arrival, turning 30, life altering decisions. The list could go on for ages. Maybe it's the time of year, and maybe its listening to Sleeping at Last and pondering/freaking out about turning 30...but I want to figure out how to stop my head and restart my heart. I have been living a life of waiting. I want to really live. Now. Not when we have money. Not when Charlee can tell me what she wants. Not when I am happy with everything in my life.
I think so many people are unhappy when they retire because they are always waiting for the next stage of life. When we are young we can't wait to be a teenager. When we are a teenager we can't wait to turn 16 to drive. When we turn 16 we can't wait to be 18 and out of high school. In college we can't wait to graduate and get married. When we get married we can't wait to have kids. When we have kids we can't wait until we retire. When we retire what do we have to look forward to? What is the next step?
All this babble to say...all that we have been through, are experiencing, or will happen to us eventually produces character. I should be a Broadway play. I would much rather have a story to tell with a heart that's open to any soul's history than a life of smiles and roses with a blank look to any sign of struggle. I don't want to give awkward hugs to a crying friend because I have never hurt to the depth of their suffering. In the time of my pain it may seem like the world is crashing and I have no strength to go on. But nothing, I say NOTHING, is more powerful than wiping tears of a weary friend and saying, "I know just how you feel." So, no more wishing things away. No more waiting for better days. The trick, I believe, is finding whats right when everything seems wrong.