Friday, December 25, 2015
The house is quiet. Funny how I usually am praying for some peace around this time any other day. Sitting here mixing between laughs from this morning and tears from this afternoon...I had a thought. I wonder if this is how God felt when He watched his son wrapped so lovingly in a manger? Did his heart bend and break as He watched someone else love on his son? Did He miss him? Is that what God was feeling? I couldn't feel more thankful at the list of people who love my children. To see them surrounded with family and friends that build into, take care of, and adore them. My heart bursts to watch them spread the kind of joy that only innocent hearts can. They are a source of beauty and sweet love to so many. I can reflect on those things and feel so overwhelmingly grateful. In those same moments, tears blur my journal page. I long to be with them. I wish to be a part of that joy. I see pictures of their laughing faces and my own joy and sadness hold tightly together. My children are loved. My children are safe. My children are hugged and kissed by people who want good things for them. I can just imagine God watching Mary wrap Jesus and rock him so lovingly. Was He hanging on her every lullaby? Did He feel conflicting emotions? Does God do that sort of thing? For me, today, I choose to believe He did. He knows how I feel. He trusted Mary to take care of his baby boy while He was here. God loved her and knew Jesus would feel so well loved by her. I am choosing to allow both tears and laughs to get me through the day. The kids are being loved on by their daddy. His joy in them is being grown. They are in great hands. I am known and I am loved. It's for good. It's all for goodness sake.