Saturday, October 15, 2016

The wool over my eyes.

Today.
Today was hard.  Today was usually unusual.  I got caught up in a situation that took so much of me.  I wanted to shout my hearts confusing poems from the rooftops just to see if anyone could pause, listen, and say, "Hey.  Me too." Emotionally, physically, mentally, financially...I gave it everything I had.  There wasn't much of me to begin with.
As the new season begins to settle in, I realize it's not just the weather that is bringing much needed change. Since this year began, my face has felt the crisp air on the peaks of mountains and my mouth has breathed in the heavy, hot air of the desperate pit.  I'm human.  It feels good to remember that.  I'm finally at a point in 2016 where it feels like a good cry.  Instead of holding my breath and hanging my head I am screaming in pain and emptying my tear ducts.  And it's good.  It's life giving good to feel so many feelings.  I'm a real girl. There is pain around me.  There is sickness.  Life is not ok and that means that I am more than ok.  I'm living.  I'm not playing it safe and zipping my lips. I'm making mistakes and owning up to striking out.  I've failed and yet...somehow...it feels like I've won.  I'm beginning to face my fears again instead of run from them.  I'm trusting in instead of relying on.  I'm no longer wishing.  I'm willing.
This world will tell you to put on a good face. Do what other people with better situations tell you to do.  Listen and don't speak.  Smile and don't cry.  Follow the crowd and don't veer.  Be what you aren't or pretend with your best.  I'm calling bullshit.  Ugly cry in public.  Repent as if you life depended on it...because it does.  Don't be bitter, be forgiving but don't forget.  Be a voice, not a victim.  Be better than yesterday, but not perfect.  Mistakes build character and create bridges to new ideas.  Go out without makeup and holes in your pants...not machine-made holes...life-made holes.  Actually that last one is so I will feel better about myself because I do that all the time out of laziness.
Lastly, to capture a small piece of the way God loves me.  I was feeling like a wayward son while reading The Prodigal God (EVERYONE READ THIS IMMEDIATELY).  I actually thought to myself...God, do you even like me?  I had a good, solid cry knowing the church answer but struggling to actually believe it.  I got to church late with crying kids and a sigh of relief that the Kids Club gods were shining down on me with open spots for my million children.   I headed over to the doors of service and it had big pails shoved full with large squares of wool.  The sign said to take some wool and a program.  I took a sheet and went in to find a seat.  During the service, the pastor talked about how we, as believers, are referred to as sheep.  Sweet, adorable sheep.  We are loved and cared for.  The SMALL piece of wool was to feel and remind us of our worth and how much Jesus loves us.  Guys...we were supposed to tear a piece off.  The girl behind me leaned up and said, "Jesus must really love you."  I laugh-cried and had to sit in the thought that the God of this universe cares to show me just how much he not only likes me...but how much He loves me.  The good kind.  The kind that fills me and covers those dirty parts of my heart.  This wool over my eyes actually helps me see.  Imagine that.